Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday to me. Happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday to me!
Today at 3:15 pm I have been living with HIV for 7 years. I have been reflecting on that day and all the circumstances that surround it.
I was working at Fiorio on Young St. here in Toronto. I had been there, going on 4 years and was be in set up nicely for lucrative career in the Toronto Fashion industry.
I was never fulfilled in my job I often saw the work as lots of gossip and lot's of money but it was never creative work for me. I think that by this point in my life I had reduced hair to 5 cuts with 8 sections on the head and you decide what cut goes on what section and then blend.
For me Hair often was a band aid that I put on peoples lives. Only to have them come back for a new one 6 weeks later.
I had a great career it just was not fulfilling. So to replace the excitement I did what every other gay boy does I went and partied.
About 3 weeks before my results I remember having a huge migraine they called it a cluster migraine because it went away and came back everyday at the same time for over a month. At the beginning I could not even walk straight I thought I was but alas I was actually bumping into walls. I know something horrible was wrong. I immediately went to the Dr. and we ran a battery of test including HIV.
On August 16th at 3:15 was my appointment. (all PHAs know the date and time of their diagnosis just in case you think I am obsessing about the date) He called me into his office. I was already numb from life and I think Ketamine or "Cat Food" as we called it . (ketamine is animal tranquilizer) He presented me with the diagnosis and them looked at me blankly and asked how I was. I said "I'm ok" he said "what will you do" I replied back "I guess I'll go to Toronto People with AIDS Foundation and seek some support." He quickly snapped back, "Brandon Think about your reputation" HUh? I will have a reputation for going into my AIDS Service Organization?
I never really understood exactly what he meant by that until the past few years. Being involved with the HIV Community has opened my eyes to all sorts of discrimination. In this case what he was saying "Brandon when you step foot in an ASO you will become stigmatized by the gay community, You will be labeled as a drug user and a sexual deviant. He was speaking about the "Tribal stigma." of the ASOs
As a drug addict, I am not the type to do what I am told. So I went in and signed up little did I know I would be signing my life away. Little did I know that I would be setting my life out on a whole new path, a path to fight ALL The Stigma of living with HIV.
For me my journey has been all about learning how to love myself. I know that I have done an amazing job and I do not serve as peoples doormats. I fight for the rights of my self as well as my peers. For me I only have to have credibility with myself.
As a Coach I truly believe that people will make the best choice available to them given the circumstances available. I guess in many ways I only saw myself as a drug addict so I never actually thought I had a positive reputation or any credibility. I never thought I would even live to see this day. Well at the time I was hoping. I see now that I did make the best Choice.
So today I sit and celebrate 8 long and amazing years with out credibility but making credible choices and I have people who love me and even more important I love my self. Thanks Doc. for the prescription!
Happy birthday to me!
