Yesterday I was chatting with my friend Brian who has been dealing with a lot in his life. Of course I am compliantly proud of him and all the changes he has has to endure. Brian takes them on with joy and his wicked sense of humor. Check out his blog at acidrefluxweb
Brian has had problems with his feet and has been perusing getting them surgically fixed. He had a visit with the Dr. yesterday and he wrote me saying: "I saw this dick of of an othro surgeon. He refuses to do anything about my feet, "get a pair of New Balance shoes" at a cost of 2 - 300 dollars a pair and keep wearing 500 dollar orthodics, and shut up and deal with the pain, and the ever decreasing mobility." "I rarely do this kind of surgery on men." he tells me. He says without knowing shit about my overall health that automatically I'm high risk for infection because of being positive.The only related question he asked was "Are you on medications." No CD4 count, viral load, history of viral suppression etc. The part he is right about is that I've underestimated what it would entail, and I've have to be prepared to take six months out of my life to deal with it. But it's him deciding that for me. I'm not prepared to take six months off at the moment."
Brian has also been very busy preparing for the next phase of his life after accomplishing many life improving goals he is paving a way for his independence with a new online business that he is piecing together. I am so proud of him.
He said "With launching a site, there is no way I can be out of commission for six months, and I don't think it would be good for my mental health. But at some point I'm going to be desperate, and I'm just told to suck it up more or less because of my HIV status."
After reading yesterday's post he asked me: "So where's my quality of life? We are all, I supposed, to be happy to just sit there and look out into the air for the rest of our lives. I'll work myself out of this, but never vs. not now has gotten me quite depressed"
What really struck me in this conversation"never vs. not now has gotten me quite depressed" I can not tell you how often in the community we as PHAs are met with "No" vs "What is possible" We all too often tell ourselves that we can't of which for me simply means either "I won't" or "I don't know how". Which is it? It's funny how we always believe Social Workers.
My friend Jack, (someday soon I will write about Jack) is determined to change his life around. After years of drug addiction he was determined to get off it and got himself on methadone. Jack does not like to be chained to a leash and with methadone comes a stigma that most users will abuse it if they have a chance. Jack did not. He use it with deep respect which I think for him came directly out of what it means for him to be off it. Jack was determined to change. His goal is to get off the methadone all together. He started to explore what it took to accomplish this goal and what he was met with was "You Can't" Jack bless his soul understood what "Can't" means, "I won't" or "I don't know how". This is a rather sad statement that the Dr's are making about drug users. I won't take you off or I don't know how.
Jack's determination understood that the Dr had no intention of taking him off methadone. Jacks determination and what it would mean for him to come off the drug was so strong that he was bound and determined to find the "I can".
I feel that Jack and Brian are both on the path to "quality of life" I know that both Jack and Brian will not take "I won't" because they truly know that if they set their minds to it anything can be done. After all they both have survived the ravages of HIV /AIDS. So that leaves us with the "I don't know how" I personally like Jack's solution although he has to travel 10 hours all the way to Montreal for his medications. Jack found someone who CAN. Jack's leash was restricted to 7 days before having to restock his supply. Now with the inconvenience of having to travel 10 hours to Montreal is reduced to a leash that is 3 month long.
When it come to "Quality of life" sometimes we have to continually choose the lesser of two evils.
For Brian the choice is to find a new Dr. that "CAN" or simply accept that they "won't". For me the message is clear go for what gives you the most quality of life and the rest will follow. I love that Brian can see this. He is choosing his web site over his feet for now. I hear he has a lovely new pair of shoes.
My questions for you today are what are the "I Can't" in your life and does it mean "I won't" or does it mean "I don't know how"?
