Hitler as AIDS ad.

Recently a controversy has broken out about the following ad from Germany. Yes I understand the relationship between Hitler and Germany and I understand why this could be a faux pa. But I am wanting to know what do you think about portraying people living with HIV as Hitler?

Here we go again?

Breakthrough raises hope for AIDS vaccine

The long thwarted dream of an AIDS vaccine has been given a major shot in the arm with a new study that has rekindled hope among many experts that they're on track to an effective protection.

View Original Article

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Testing new Tecnology

Ok OK so my life has taken a turn. I will now be blogging for Gay Guide Toronto. Also in the fall you can look for my new blog on POZ Lite (starting in Oct.) called I'm here, now what.
Comming soon

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Nothing to see here!

Another charge has been laid for the criminalization of HIV.

Unlike all other sources of news I will not post his picture as I feel that this man is not guilty unless proven guilty.


For more information please see my friend Shaun Proulx's blog.


On that note there has been two pieces of video that have been floating around the "Armchair activist ether" The first comes from our friends in Quecec called Stop serophobia. very powerful video.




The next video is from the ScotiaBank AIDS Walk for Life 2009.

My sister and niece will be walking in this years walk in London Ontario. Please support her. Here

Motivation.

I am stunned. This guy gets it . Now only if we could have our ASOs. Think like this. Makes me wonder if they realize that the current system may be doing harm.

Moving Forward.

This is a video I shot for the AIDS Committee of Durham Region for the Long Term Survivors Peer Mentor Program. Approximately 20 Min in length. I would love feedback!

18 Phrases That Turn or Stomachs Worse Than AZT.

The other day I had a visit with my friend Brian, we are planning some future work together. He brought out a old school magazine from the early days of HIV (1990) The name is Disease Pariah News. It was photocopied on various colored paper . Pre-internet. I guess avocado green paper was the only option for making it pretty.

The magazine was totally poking fun at everything HIV. Laughing at the Social Workers that still to this day think they know how to "Fix" us. I was flipping through and found this list called 18 Phrases That Turn or Stomachs Worse Than AZT.

Brian and I had such a good laugh. Those boys were very witty.
I think the thing that is the funniest is that nothing has changed in 26 years except the medications.

The AIDS Committee of Toronto has many of these magazines on file. It was such good fun that I think I will bring them out once and a while.

Not a babysitting service.

Recently I was chatting with a fellow PHA from Windsor, Ontario, Canada. He was discussing a situation that the community had recently experienced in regards to the treatment of People living with HIV.

He discussed with me that recently a PHA had been booked to receive a major surgery. He was instructed by his Doctor to have someone come by and check in on him after he went home. This person experiences social isolation due to the HIV stigma. Also as Windsor is a smaller town the gay community is not as connected as in larger Canadian cities.

This gentleman had his own fears and concerns in being alone in a period of life that everyone wants someone to just be there to help us, and sit with us, as we heal. He called his local AIDS Service Organization the AIDS Committee of Windsor. The most he was hoping for was someone to just pop by and say "Hi" for a few days. I firmly believe and advocate that loneliness in life is one of humanities biggest killers. Perhaps one of humanities best healers. (Loneliness worse for your health than smoking and obesity)

Somehow, I do have to admit the skeptic in me was not surprised, however the most innocent part of me was shocked to hear that he was told "We are not a babysitting service."

It is becoming very obvious to me and the community that the Long Term Survivors have become ignored.

I can not imaging thinking for most of my life "I am ready", "I am OK with this" or maybe "I am not ready to..." to awakening to a new reality in the age of HAART. Its hard for anyone to let go of our fears. Surgery sounds scary under these circumstances.

The Yvette Perreault, Grief Counselor, Community Organizer and Director of the AIDS Bereavement Project of Ontario, writes in her Thesis (The presence of absence 2007) under her recommendations Pg. 193

"Organizational and Community Implications, Building a Community with Heart in the age of HARRT."

For me this statement makes me sad that we do not have a community with heart and gives me hope we are heading in the right direction.

Growing between a rock and a hard place.

This Morning I was surfing around trying to decide what to blog about when I stumbled upon an article by my friend and Coach Trainer Michael Moniz entitled:

THRIVING WITH HIV

I urge you to have a read I love the way he writes and even more I loved being Coached by him. In the article Michael speaks about 4 key points to moving from Surviving to Thriving. Those three points are Borrowed Time, Love, Disclosure and Support.

This article spurred a racy thoughts through my head I can not deny that all of these things are important for People living with HIV to explore. I do think that their are things that could be done like visiting POZIAM this site is an excellent resource for all of these ingredients. I am proud of what Robert has created. The site also has a radio show attached to it that airs twice a week. Give it a listen!



What stirred in me was the notion of being caught between a rock and a hard place. On one side, many People living with HIV, due to stigma are uncomfortable with disclosing in the general public. On the other side we all both Poz and Neg have been diligently taught not to disclose the status of someone who is living with HIV.

Can growth happen in this place? We are being asked due to HIV Crimminialization Law in Canada to disclose. But yet we do not have support for when things go so wrong. Isolation in this manner can be so very painful.

What I would love to know is why don't our AIDS Service Organizations provide us with an opt out of disclosure confidentiality. I feel that this would allow for the community to open up to supporting one an other. I feel that this would prevent events like Not a babysitting service.

The purpose of taking our pills.

Last night I went out for a coffee with my friend and ex boyfriend from many years ago. We were meeting because he wanted to return a painting that I had painted. M was very patient with me he put up with a lot of the full force of my drug addiction the painting he returned to me was a blast from those times.

We started talking about an earlier post "The Memory of Making Meaning" we strayed off to the question of Quality of Life vs Quantity of life and how long do I want to live for if I can not have quality of life. M is not alone. I have had many discussions with PHAs about this particular post all of who are asking them selves the same question.

What is the purpose of taking our pills?

At the time of M's and my infection in 2002 most People living with HIV were not even thinking about Quality of life but rather just staying alive. HAART was a rather new medication possibility who's full impact had not quite been realized. When it come to quantity vs quantity of life, taking a pill and dealing with the side effects to obtain quantity is the easy part. Their is no magic pill for Quality of life. It takes work.

So the question becomes how do we as PHAs with all of our restrictions begin? It really does come down to that simple question. What is the reason you take your pills? For each of us the response will be totally different.

What each of us values will be determined by the sum of of our past experiences. We act out our values without even knowing it every single day. When our AIDS Service Organizations pisses us off it because one of our values have been tramples upon. When we feel joy happiness and love it is because our values have been empowered. So our emotions are a clear indication of what we value.

Part of living our values is being able to clearly identify them. For many this is not easy to do. For many we have forgotton what is truly important to us for we have forgotten how to live them after all many of us were expecting that we would not be living for much longer. Their was no purpose to live them. Many of us have assimilated the values of our culture. In North America Money, is a cultural value so when asked, many people will automatically say they value money. This does not necessarily make money a personal value. Money can be the cause of many peoples grief within our community because simply put this is not our personal value.

So how does one go about clearly identifying your personal values? Well, you could drop me a line HERE. If you are a person living with HIV / AIDS. I am willing to take you through a values exploration. It takes about a half an hour.
That being said another way that works very well is your bank book. Pull out your bank statement and categorize your purchases over the past month. As money is a cultural value it will be a good place to dig for personal values. What you spend your money on is a good indicator of what you value.

Begin with the end in mind.

Often many people have no idea where they want to end up in life. For so long we have had no reason what so ever to dream. Without our dreams we have no goals and with no goals we are clueless as to how to manifest our values.

Dreams and values go hand in hand. So I ask you today to dream. Dreaming is never set in stone. But having an idea of what we want out of life or how we want our lives to be different, but are not willing to take the necessary steps it takes to move forward. It is necessary to dream about our futures in detail. Imagine all the feelings that are associated with your dreams. As PHAs I think we have forgotten how to dream.

What is the legacy that you want to leave behind?

Give gays the shaft.

Over the weekend I was sent an artical from the Advocate from my friends over at POZPlanet on Facebook it read:

Global AIDS Prevention Gives Short Shrift to Gays

"Fewer people are dying from AIDS, but rates of new HIV infections among gay and bisexual men in many countries are rising at alarming rates.

Yet less than 1% of the $669 million reported in global prevention spending targets men who have sex with men, according to UNAIDS figures from 2006, the latest available data."

This comment has had me thinking about a statistic that I recently heard about Canada and the uneven prevention dollar distribution. According to the Public Health Agency of Canada in Canada of all the People living with HIV / AIDS 51% of the population are gay men. (Stats as of 2005 new stats available in 2009) In Canada Gay men currently receive 23% of funding dollars.

At what point did we de-gay AIDS? I mean I have heard several of my friends say that at one point the government de-gayed the AIDS Service Organizations. Apparently this was done in an obvious way. I hope to dig into this a little further in this blog. Perhaps you have memories of this and would like to share. Please drop me a line. Here

So what's wrong with having a gay related services after all in Toronto every other demographic has an AIDS Service Organization that promotes the health and well-being of their population. I remember taking Jack to Toronto People with AIDS Foundation he wanted to see what it was all about seeing that they just moved to their new location. I was permitted to give him the tour. in the middle of the hall way he innocently pipes up "It lovely to be in a real Gay AIDS Service Organization" I wince in expectation and all we see are Gay boy heads pop out of doors and promptly correct "We are not a Gay Organization. We service all communities" LOL it has been so well rehearsed seems Murray (Executive Director) is keeping everyone on message.

My Boyfriends Poo'

My Boyfriend John is obsessed every year with getting one of those kiddy pools. You know the ones that are hard plastic. Normally we just get the $10 one that is blue plastic with swimming cartoon fish printed on the bottom. he loves sitting in them with a joint and cocktail it quite fun to watch him splash around the first time he gets in. A few years ago we splurged on a larger "Poo'" it was a purple elephant that you could hook your hose on the bottom side of the nose ant it would act as a sprinkler. I will leave it up to your imagination to see what fun he had.

Ever since the recession started John has been put on a shopping diet. We have long term goals and gotta cut back. We love to shop it brings us empty joy that never lasts more than than it takes for us to pay off the bill. As I am a life coach we call it "celebration" and try to attach a reward to the things we buy it helps us remember the things we have learned and accomplished

Since the summer has started John has had his eye on this "Poo'" that had a picture of it and a whole family sitting in it. He says: "Look they are so happy, please can we have one?" it was $50 considering we are on a shopping diet I simply could not justify buying an inflatable Pool (with a filter) for that much money. Especially considering all of the other Pools we have bought have been used for one day and tossed.

Today was so hot John went down and the pool was on sale for $30. He bought it's huge. I have only allowed him to fill it half way as our deck sits on the roof of the store below us. I am not sure if the roof can handle it.

So what is the point of this post?

There is no point just a little silliness after all you can't expect me to be serious and all HIV all the time.

It's Saturday get out and have some fun. Be silly and let off some steam. We'll be in the Poo'

A prescription from my Dr.

Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday to me. Happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday to me!

Today at 3:15 pm I have been living with HIV for 7 years. I have been reflecting on that day and all the circumstances that surround it.

I was working at Fiorio on Young St. here in Toronto. I had been there, going on 4 years and was be in set up nicely for lucrative career in the Toronto Fashion industry.

I was never fulfilled in my job I often saw the work as lots of gossip and lot's of money but it was never creative work for me. I think that by this point in my life I had reduced hair to 5 cuts with 8 sections on the head and you decide what cut goes on what section and then blend.

For me Hair often was a band aid that I put on peoples lives. Only to have them come back for a new one 6 weeks later.

I had a great career it just was not fulfilling. So to replace the excitement I did what every other gay boy does I went and partied.

About 3 weeks before my results I remember having a huge migraine they called it a cluster migraine because it went away and came back everyday at the same time for over a month. At the beginning I could not even walk straight I thought I was but alas I was actually bumping into walls. I know something horrible was wrong. I immediately went to the Dr. and we ran a battery of test including HIV.

On August 16th at 3:15 was my appointment. (all PHAs know the date and time of their diagnosis just in case you think I am obsessing about the date) He called me into his office. I was already numb from life and I think Ketamine or "Cat Food" as we called it . (ketamine is animal tranquilizer) He presented me with the diagnosis and them looked at me blankly and asked how I was. I said "I'm ok" he said "what will you do" I replied back "I guess I'll go to Toronto People with AIDS Foundation and seek some support." He quickly snapped back, "Brandon Think about your reputation" HUh? I will have a reputation for going into my AIDS Service Organization?

I never really understood exactly what he meant by that until the past few years. Being involved with the HIV Community has opened my eyes to all sorts of discrimination. In this case what he was saying "Brandon when you step foot in an ASO you will become stigmatized by the gay community, You will be labeled as a drug user and a sexual deviant. He was speaking about the "Tribal stigma." of the ASOs

As a drug addict, I am not the type to do what I am told. So I went in and signed up little did I know I would be signing my life away. Little did I know that I would be setting my life out on a whole new path, a path to fight ALL The Stigma of living with HIV.

For me my journey has been all about learning how to love myself. I know that I have done an amazing job and I do not serve as peoples doormats. I fight for the rights of my self as well as my peers. For me I only have to have credibility with myself.

As a Coach I truly believe that people will make the best choice available to them given the circumstances available. I guess in many ways I only saw myself as a drug addict so I never actually thought I had a positive reputation or any credibility. I never thought I would even live to see this day. Well at the time I was hoping. I see now that I did make the best Choice.

So today I sit and celebrate 8 long and amazing years with out credibility but making credible choices and I have people who love me and even more important I love my self. Thanks Doc. for the prescription!

Happy birthday to me!

Brian's feet can't.

Yesterday I was chatting with my friend Brian who has been dealing with a lot in his life. Of course I am compliantly proud of him and all the changes he has has to endure. Brian takes them on with joy and his wicked sense of humor. Check out his blog at acidrefluxweb

Brian has had problems with his feet and has been perusing getting them surgically fixed. He had a visit with the Dr. yesterday and he wrote me saying: "I saw this dick of of an othro surgeon. He refuses to do anything about my feet, "get a pair of New Balance shoes" at a cost of 2 - 300 dollars a pair and keep wearing 500 dollar orthodics, and shut up and deal with the pain, and the ever decreasing mobility." "I rarely do this kind of surgery on men." he tells me. He says without knowing shit about my overall health that automatically I'm high risk for infection because of being positive.The only related question he asked was "Are you on medications." No CD4 count, viral load, history of viral suppression etc. The part he is right about is that I've underestimated what it would entail, and I've have to be prepared to take six months out of my life to deal with it. But it's him deciding that for me. I'm not prepared to take six months off at the moment."

Brian has also been very busy preparing for the next phase of his life after accomplishing many life improving goals he is paving a way for his independence with a new online business that he is piecing together. I am so proud of him.

He said "With launching a site, there is no way I can be out of commission for six months, and I don't think it would be good for my mental health. But at some point I'm going to be desperate, and I'm just told to suck it up more or less because of my HIV status."

After reading yesterday's post he asked me: "So where's my quality of life? We are all, I supposed, to be happy to just sit there and look out into the air for the rest of our lives. I'll work myself out of this, but never vs. not now has gotten me quite depressed"

What really struck me in this conversation"never vs. not now has gotten me quite depressed" I can not tell you how often in the community we as PHAs are met with "No" vs "What is possible" We all too often tell ourselves that we can't of which for me simply means either "I won't" or "I don't know how". Which is it? It's funny how we always believe Social Workers.

My friend Jack, (someday soon I will write about Jack) is determined to change his life around. After years of drug addiction he was determined to get off it and got himself on methadone. Jack does not like to be chained to a leash and with methadone comes a stigma that most users will abuse it if they have a chance. Jack did not. He use it with deep respect which I think for him came directly out of what it means for him to be off it. Jack was determined to change. His goal is to get off the methadone all together. He started to explore what it took to accomplish this goal and what he was met with was "You Can't" Jack bless his soul understood what "Can't" means, "I won't" or "I don't know how". This is a rather sad statement that the Dr's are making about drug users. I won't take you off or I don't know how.

Jack's determination understood that the Dr had no intention of taking him off methadone. Jacks determination and what it would mean for him to come off the drug was so strong that he was bound and determined to find the "I can".

I feel that Jack and Brian are both on the path to "quality of life" I know that both Jack and Brian will not take "I won't" because they truly know that if they set their minds to it anything can be done. After all they both have survived the ravages of HIV /AIDS. So that leaves us with the "I don't know how" I personally like Jack's solution although he has to travel 10 hours all the way to Montreal for his medications. Jack found someone who CAN. Jack's leash was restricted to 7 days before having to restock his supply. Now with the inconvenience of having to travel 10 hours to Montreal is reduced to a leash that is 3 month long.

When it come to "Quality of life" sometimes we have to continually choose the lesser of two evils.
For Brian the choice is to find a new Dr. that "CAN" or simply accept that they "won't". For me the message is clear go for what gives you the most quality of life and the rest will follow. I love that Brian can see this. He is choosing his web site over his feet for now. I hear he has a lovely new pair of shoes.

My questions for you today are what are the "I Can't" in your life and does it mean "I won't" or does it mean "I don't know how"?

In memory of making meaning.

All too often we as People living with HIV. Struggle to make meaning in our lives. my friend in Montreal has struggled with this and is at the end of the battle. You see he decided 5 months ago that he no longer could live with the effects of the medications and he stopped taking them. I understand completely the side effects of some of these medications are harsh. We are discovering that he had split up with his partner and was gathering debit.

All of his friends are trying to understand. In response I asked my friends on Facebook:

Brandon Williams is trying to help a friend make sense of another friends decision and is asking, If you had a choice between Quality of life vs Quantity of life what would you choose?

Everyone said Quality!

Not surprising one person wrote: "If you choose quanity over quality, you could end up living a long life that means nothing instead of a short life where you can make a difference..."

"success in medicine is defined as quantity primarily. the longer one is alive the better. family members often pressure the patients i follow to stay on dialysis even when the individual has expressed they want to withdrawal treatment. i watched my mother die of brain cancer and she was kept alive, vegetative, because once a treatment is started in that case, it can't be stopped. she wasn't on life support, but it made me realize that medicine often crosses the line, we see death as bad and failure in western medicine - don't ask me how it should look, but i do believe in the right to die"

"quality of life- it is not the monitary quality, it is personal quality- die after having said goodbye- tie up relationships. If you are paliative don't take antibiotics. Extra days worrying about making it just one more day to mark on the calendar is very different to extra days where you are spending it with the people you love, things you love and doing what you want."

These statement asked me to ponder the thought that meaning making or living life with purpose, or on purpose makes taking our medications and quantity of life worth it.

I struggle to understand why it is that even with recent research on "Having a higher purpose in life reduces risk of death among older adults" why does this not apply to people living with HIV / AIDS in Canada? Through the Denver Principals we created G.I.P.A. (The greater Involvement of people living with HIV / AIDS) which is slowly morphing into M.I.P.A ( Meaningful Involvement of People Living with HIV / AIDS). I have always asked "Who determines what give someone meaning and who explores with PHAs how the community can best utilize those skills."

Who in our community will help an individual explore what gives them meaning? I mean yes the community has provided services that will facilitate the meaning once you know what it is however this is not always the case.

Victor Frankel in his book "Man's search for meaning" speaks about the Existential Vacuum. He says: Let us consider, for instance, "Sunday Neurosis," that kind of depression which afflicts people who become aware of the lack of contentment in their lives when the rush of the busy week is over and the void within themselves becomes manifest. Not a few cases suicide can be tracked back to this existential vacuum. Such widespread phenomena as depression, aggression and addiction are not understandable unless we recognize the existential vacuum underlying them.This is also true of the crisis of pensioners and aging people. " We all have experienced this. I have lost many friends to this Neurosis.

It is fine that we have medications that are working and from my memory of the early days of HIV their was the debate of Quality over Quantity before the age of HAART. Now that the choice is available we have nothing but to question, What is the purpose of taking our medications? Living in poverty. In a culture that promotes that we commit crimes by selling either our bodies or our overly prescribed medications that have street value.

What meaning does this bring to PHAs?

What purpose does it serve the community to prevent us form having a meaningful life?

What purpose does it serve the pharmaceutical companies if we have no purpose to take our medications?

My friend made a choice. He chose quality as everyone would.